When Love Disappoints

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted....” – Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

Martin Luther King Jr. once said, "There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love." Boy, ain't that the truth? The more we love something or someone the more disappointed we are when we our plans or expectations aren't fulfilled with regard to them.

Last Tuesday, in the early hours of the morning, a text came in. I knew it would be arriving soon, but neither my heart, nor my mind was prepared for the magnitude and finality it brought. I was sitting at the table when Todd entered the kitchen. From the look on his face, I knew the words he was about to say would not be words I wanted to hear.

"Daryle just texted. Lola passed away."

No! She can't be gone! It makes no sense. I don't…I just don't…I don't understand.

Now I don’t truly know how it feels to take a knife to the chest, but if I had to guess, I'd say it might come close to how it feels when someone you love dies. My aunt Lola is gone. Gone. Just a few months ago, she was vibrant, active, and full of life. But her cancer returned and took that all away. No sooner did we learn her diagnosis than we said goodbye. I can't wrap my mind around it. I keep thinking I'll wake up and this will all be some crazy, strange dream. I haven't even had a chance to process and accept her diagnosis yet. Furthermore, we just said goodbye to my uncle Don. His life too, cut short by cancer. My heart aches for them and for my family as we grieve those we love so deeply.

My inbox and voice mail still hold messages from Lola. I can't bring myself to delete them. Surely tonight I'll see her working in the yard, as she often did, and hear her jokingly yell at me from across the road, "You need to mow your yard!" She can't be gone. She just can't. Not only was she part of my family, she was my neighbor and my friend...we shared so many laughs and good times. There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love. And, oh how the disappointment hurts and tugs at my heart. It fills my mind and floods my eyes with tears. She's gone. She's really gone. It just can't be...but, it is.

I've been putting off this post. And, not just a little, but a whole bunch-a-lada. To be honest, I just don't know what to write. Or then again, maybe I do, but am afraid to put it out there for all to see...afraid to put it out there for me to see. It's ugly, and so not tied up in a pretty little package complete with a perfect bow. I like to write about happy things. I like to be silly and witty. I like to share insight and encouragement. But...truthfully, right now I don't feel silly...or witty...or insightful...or encouraging. Mostly I just feel disappointment. There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love. I want her to come back. I want Don to come back. I loved them so.

I tend to laugh my way through life. The less serious I have to be, the less I have to really face things head on and deal with them. Now, some might say I'm doing what I should in trying not to feel disappointment or hurt. They may offer up "Right on, Angela. Don't sweat the 'small stuff'", or perhaps, "Shake it off", or maybe even, (my least favorite) "Get over it". Generally speaking I'm a pretty happy go lucky kind of gal. The trouble though is that sometimes beneath the smile I am totally sweating (profusely, I might add) the small and the big stuff. And, so it is now. Under my smile is a broken heart. A woman weary, worn out and sweating. A woman who loves deeply. And, a woman who is disappointed deeply.

My aunt Lola and my uncle Don were amazing people. And, the disappointment I feel is nothing more than love grieving deeply for those I hold dear. So, while I'm still here...in this season of disappointment...sweating and grieving, I pray the Lord will give me the strength needed to face each day, and to take one day at a time. Great is His faithfulness.

Strength for today.  Hope for tomorrow.

That is my prayer.

Father God, great is Your faithfulness. Thank You for the hope we have in You. Even when we face disappointments in our lives, You are still good. Lord, I pray You would mend the broken pieces of my heart, and those within my family also, as we grieve for our loved ones. Thank you for the blessing Lola and Don brought to our lives and for the time, love and laughter we shared with them both. Please be with others who are also hurting at this time and missing those they hold so dear. Your word tells us You are close to the brokenhearted and deliver us from discouragement and crushed spirits. May we feel your healing touch, deliverance and presence, Lord. Please give each of us the strength to face each day, one day at a time, and help us to remember You are forever and always our hope.

It's So Over

This morning, I sat at my kitchen table praying and reeling with anxiety over the tasks that lie ahead. Yesterday, my boss asked me to take on a project; adding to my already full plate. A flood of emotions came rushing in as I agreed to the challenge and additional responsibility.

I'm honored he trusts me and feels I'm capable of taking this on, Lord. Really, I am.  But...but...how on earth am I going to figure out how to do this project? When on earth am I going to figure out how to do this project? I feel so ill equipped. I need wisdom. I need strength. I need...new shoes. I already have a million balls in the air between work duties, being a mom, parent, daughter, niece, sister, friend, not to mention blogging and songwriting…and I’m just so...so...ahhh!  

I'm just so overwhelmed! Serenity now!

Holy moly. Life sure gets busy sometimes doesn't it? There are days I feel I wear so many hats I lose track of who I am; and then the only hat I feel like wearing is the one I can pull down over my head. Sigh. 

Some days it's all so over. Overwhelming that is.

There's a song that has been stuck in my head lately, "One Thing Remains" . I have to wonder if the Lord is deliberating putting that song in front of me. Maybe you'll see why when you read some of the lyrics:

Your love never fails/It never gives up/It never runs out on me

And it's higher than the mountains that I face/And it's stronger than the power of the grave/And it's constant in the trial and the change/This one thing remains

And on and on and on and on it goes/Yes, it overwhelms and satisfies my soul/And I never ever have to be afraid/This one thing remains/This one thing remains


It's so over. Overwhelming that is.

His love never fails. It never gives up, and it never runs out. It's higher than any mountains you or I may face. It's stronger than the power of the grave, and constant in our trials and change. It goes on and on and on and when we allow, it overwhelms and satisfies our souls. I needed that reminder today. Maybe you did too.
Scripture says the God who loves us with an overwhelming love, is also the same God who gives us strength (Philippians 4:13). And, the same God who gives us wisdom...

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God,
who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."
 – James 1:5 (NIV)

I sure could use some strength and wisdom. I'm walking around like a bumbling idiot who doesn't know if she's coming or going. Strength? Wisdom? Yes Lord, please! (And, maybe some cute shoes too. I mean it can't hurt to ask, right?).

Oh Lord, let the only thing I'm overwhelmed with be Your love....

Thank You Lord for Your love. Thank You for equipping us for the tasks that lie before us; for Your wisdom and for Your strength. May we be so filled with You we are...overwhelmed.

Vacation in Paradise

Recently, Todd, the boys and I headed to Walt Disney World for some fun, sun, and celebration of 19 years of marriage! A great time was had by all, and we were richly blessed with the opportunity to spend time together as a family.

"This place is paradise!
You get to buy toys, go to parks,
and even eat with Mickey!"

These are the words my seven year old son, Joseph, exclaimed with regard to Disney World. Ahh, it's the little things in life isn't it!?!? As a child, I longed to go to Disney World and Disneyland.  I mean, for goodness sake, these parks are billed as the most "magical and happiest" places on earth - modern day lands of "milk and honey"... paradise here on earth.  I am grateful I've had the opportunity to visit - the Disney parks are indeed amazing, magical, romantic, and breathtaking!

One morning during our  trip, we had the pleasure of meeting Minnie Mouse (I just love her). She smooched on the boys, posed for photos, and kindly signed their autograph books. It was definitely a memorable experience. I couldn't help but laugh hysterically when my ten year old son, Jack, jokingly shared his recollection of said smooching (I love this kid) though:

"Minnie is a no good, kissing she-devil."

A devil in "paradise"? Say it ain't so!

We had a fantastic time visiting Disney World. Isn't it such a blessing to live in a world chock full of beautiful, stunning, breathtaking paradise destinations for us to enjoy? As amazing as these places are though, I can only imagine how each and every one must pale in comparison to our heavenly paradise. Even at the most happiest and magical places on earth, there are still imperfections, or "devils in paradise" if you will. During our vacation, my kids still argued with one another. We were all tired, cranky, and inpatient at times. One of our hotel elevators was out of service on a near daily basis. Our food order was messed up during one of our meals. Joseph fell, cried, and bruised his leg on a curb. My husband still snored while he slept (happy 19th anniversary dear!). We met a woman whose ankle was crushed by a motorized wheelchair in one of the parks. Another family had to leave paradise for an urgent surgery. We had a great time. Really, we did. I tell you these things to drive home a point though.

No paradise on earth is perfect. But, our heavenly paradise is!

In Revelation 21, John tells us of our heavenly paradise - a perfect place with pearly gates and streets of gold...a place of no sickness, no sorrow and no tears...a place bountiful with food and beautiful singing...a place in which it never gets dark, and never closes...a place...with no devils! Heck, I don’t even think they have rodents there! And, instead of dining with Mickey, you get to dine with Jesus! Even better yet – once you arrive in your heavenly destination, you never have to leave!

 How’s that for a vacation in paradise?!

Most gracious Lord, I thank You for blessing my family with the opportunity to spend time together and make wonderful memories. I rejoice and give You glory for the beauty and wonder of Your magnificent creation – for the paradises You formed and placed here on earth for us to enjoy. There is none like You, Lord, Almighty Creator. Thank You for the promise of eternal life in our heavenly paradise. I look forward to the day I can see Your face and sing Your praises on the streets of gold! Lord, please grant us wisdom, words, and love to share Your promise with others – that they too may delight in paradise with You someday.

It's a Jungle Out There

We hopped in his car, and he turned on the radio.  It was an exciting night filled with celebration.  Todd had just received his high school diploma, and we knew the first song we heard would be one that would always remind us of that moment.  Needless to say, Guns N' Roses "Welcome to the Jungle" wasn't quite what we were expecting! 

Finding your way in life can be a lot like finding your way through the jungle...there are a lot of pretty things to look at, but if you're not careful you can easily get distracted, stray from the path, and get lost.  Worse yet, you may even get devoured. Thankfully, there is One willing and able to guide us through the safari of life.   He even provides us with an instruction manual full of survival tactics!  Here are just a few: 

1. Arm yourself with The Word, be disciplined and stay on guard. The more you know the manual, the easier and more quickly you can put it into practice in defeating the enemy.  Your enemy, the devil, is prowling around like a roaring lion just waiting and hoping for the chance to devour someone (1 Peter 5:8).

2. Take the light with you.  Sometimes, even when you stay on the path, there may be some dark periods.  His word is a lamp for your feet, a light on your paths (Psalm 199:105).

3.  Utilize the strength He provides.  Don't try to be the hero. Life is hard. Remember, it's His strength, and His alone that will get you through.  You can do all things through the strength that He gives (Philippians 4:13). 

4. There is strength in numbers.  Find others walking the same path as you; encourage and walk alongside them (Hebrews 10:25).  And, when one of you falls down, you’ll have someone to help you back up (Ecclesiastes 4:10).

5. Even if you get lost, no matter what time of day, call out and He’ll be there.  You may at times, choose to stray from the path, but remember He is never far from you.  Morning, noon or night, call His name and He will be there to rescue you (Psalm 55:17). 

So...congratulations to all those graduating! Enjoy this special time in your lives, and...welcome to the jungle! If you commit your way to Him, you will surely succeed! (Proverbs 16:3)

 Heavenly Father, thank You for the special moments and joys in our lives.  I ask for Your blessing upon the lives of all those graduating at this time, Lord.  May they seek You in all they do, and trust in Your infinite wisdom and strength as they venture into the jungle. 

Who's Your Momma?

I had to have been around three or four years old when she took me under her wing.  Her name was Mrs. Murphy, and she was one of the sweetest, kindest, little snow white haired ladies I knew.  She taught Sunday school to preschool aged children, and I adored her.  She not only taught me about Jesus, but she showed me what grace looked like; and she made me want to stay in my preschool years forever.   The world would be a better place if there were more women like her.  She wasn't my momma, but she sure loved on me like she was. 

It was my sixteenth birthday, and like most kids, there was only one thing I felt would make the perfect birthday gift.  It was of course, a car!  She had a different gift idea in mind though.  A gift that meant way more to me than a car.  Her name is Helen, and she played the organ at my church.  Helen knew music was the language of my heart, and so she gifted me with a piano book full of praise and worship songs.  Inside the front cover she wrote the most beautiful, encouraging note.  I still have that book.  It's one of my most cherished possessions.  Why?  Because it was a gift from her heart to mine.  She cared enough to encourage me, love me and know what was important to me.  She wasn't my momma, but she sure loved on me like she was.

She would put housework on hold to play Yahtzee and Trouble with me for hours; and she would listen to every vocal concert of “Jesus Loves Me” I gave from the big rock in her front yard.  Her smile could light up a room, and even though I'm certain she had days in which she was tired, sad, or worried, I never saw them.  Because when I was with her, she had a way of making me feel I was more important than anything else in, or going on in, her life.  A simple slice of bread with butter always tasted better at her house – probably because she took the extra effort to cut it into sticks for me, and serve it with a smile.   Her cookie jar was perpetually filled not only with molasses cookies, but with love.  And, each time I'd leave her house, she would make sure to tell me she loved me.  I never for a moment doubted she did.  My grandmother wasn't my momma, but she sure loved on me like she was.

Many children come and go at her house, none of which are from her womb.  She provides respite and security in her heart and home to little ones who need a temporary place to stay.  She brushes and styles curly locks and rocks newborns after late night feedings.  She makes sure each child is fitted with clothes, shoes and school supplies.  Her heart grieves when it's time to say goodbye.  For she knows she may never see them again – they are children of her heart.  She's not their momma, but she sure loves on them like she is. 

Each Sunday morning, little ones with hair uncombed and slippers on their feet stand at the window to watch for her arrival.  She picks them up for church and they proudly sit in the pew alongside her biological children.  She's stood by many hospital beds and caskets, and wept teardrops of sorrow for children not her own.   She's a diaper changer, tear wiper and Christmas gift buyer.  Her washing machine often spins clothes her family of five will never wear.  She loves those others call unlovely and opens her arms, home and heart to them.  She's not their momma, but she sure loves on them like she is. 

She carried me in the heat and humidity of a Missouri summer, and later walked me to the school bus during my kindergarten year. In the moments between working all day and cooking supper for our family, she always took time to listen to the details of my day at school.  She made numerous Halloween costumes; fried a lot of chicken; and could whip up an amazing chocolate sheet cake.  She used to dance in the kitchen to the sixties music on the oldies radio station - which prompted lots of giggles from me.  She once cut my hair so short I looked like a boy, and she also styled my hair for my junior prom.  She loves to go to garage sales, and always finds something special to buy just for me.  When she's so tired she could literally drop, she continues to selflessly give to others and is a beautiful example of humility and love. She kisses my babies and holds them in her arms, and she treats my husband like he's truly her son.  And, like Mrs. Murphy above, she is also a snow white haired lady teaching preschool Sunday school and loving on little ones.  She's not their momma, but she sure loves on them like she is.  And, I'm so honored and blessed to call her my momma...my amazing, wonderful, beautiful momma.  Oh, I love her so. 

These are just a few of the wonderful mommas in my life.  Though I genuinely call only one of them "mom", each has blessed my life tremendously with the love and care they've shown.  One doesn't have to be a biological momma to love like a momma does.  She need only open her heart and her arms.   Who's your momma?

"Her children arise and call her blessed…many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
 – Proverbs 31:28-29 (NIV)

Happy Mother's Day Mommas!

Lord, I thank You for creating each of these special women and placing them in my life. May they know they are dearly and deeply loved, and may they be richly blessed by their children.   I give You all the glory for their beautiful lives and for the rich blessings I receive from knowing them and knowing You.

Skating Lessons

When I was a child, my dad would take my brother, Kevin, and me skating on our frozen lake in the winter.   There was something freeing about gliding on the ice and breathing in the fresh, cold, winter air.   Something that put a little pep in my step.  Something that made me feel alive.  Something...that made all eighty five layers of thermal underwear, stocking caps and gloves totally worth wearing.   

Dad would always go first to carefully inspect the ice for firmness and safety; and would alert us to any danger zones, such as cracks or holes to avoid.  But, one winter, curiosity got the best of my eight year old mind, and I stuck my boot through a small hole in the ice.  This was certainly not one of my most intelligent moments.  Foundation is everything...and well,...it's rather difficult to stand when you have one foot in a hole, and another on slippery terrain.  No sooner than the tip of my boot skimmed the frigid water's surface, my other foot slipped and down I fell – one leg completely immersed in the freezing water, and thankfully, one still on the surface of the ice.  Dad hurriedly scooped me up, carried me off the lake and back to the warmth and comfort of our home.  Had I fallen in completely and/or my dad not reacted as quickly, the scene might have played out quite differently....

As I recall that experience, I am reminded of the endearing scene from Bambi in which Thumper tries to teach a wobbly Bambi to ice skate.  Bambi struggles to stand on the ice, but his long, thin legs just don't offer the same support of Thumper's larger, padded feet.  Foundation is everything and Thumper's firmer foundation allowed him to glide confidently and gracefully across the frozen pond.  

I have found a lot of similarities between ice skating and walking with Christ. Both require proper safeguards and foundation for success:  

1). Proper safety gear – Wearing the right boots and blades is essential for skaters to flourish on the ice.  As Christians, we too need the right gear to thrive.  Scripture says we need to put on the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:13-17).
2). Learn to walk before you skate – Skaters generally learn to walk on the ice prior to learning how to skate.  Walking helps establish one's center of gravity, which in turn makes ankles less wobbly.  When we walk with the Lord, He becomes our center of gravity and steadies our stride.  Psalm 27:23 (NIV) says, “The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him.”
3.) Keep your eyes forward and let go - Skaters are taught to look in the direction they are skating.  If they pay too much attention to their feet, they will fall.  They are also instructed not to hold onto anything that may become a crutch.   Hebrews 12:1-2 provides similar instruction in our walk with Christ – telling us to remove any weight that might slow us down and to press on toward our heavenly prize by keeping our eyes on Christ.
4). Have a spotter and use your edges – When learning to skate, one should have a confident skater alongside as a spotter.  He/she will be able to help you up when you slip.  Additionally, the edges of a skate blade provide power, control and speed, but one must keep them sharpened and know how to use them correctly in order to benefit from their potential.  We are told in scripture that two are better than one – for if one falls down, the other can help him/her back up (Ecclesiastes 4:10).  Additionally, Proverbs 27:17 (NIV) provides information on sharpening our faith, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
5). Bend Your Knees - When skaters bend their knees, their stability is greatly increased, and they do not fall backwards nearly as much.  James 5:16 (NIV) states, “…the earnest prayer of a righteous man has great power….”

“Don’t pray when you feel like it. Have an appointment with the Lord and keep it. 

A man is powerful on his knees.” ~ Corrie Ten Boom

Sometimes the roads in life get slickery, and as I’m learning to skate, I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father who scoops me up each time I fall.  

Most gracious Lord, thank You for the foundation You provide.  Foundation is everything Lord, and I am so grateful You steady our walk and lift us when we fall.  Father, I pray we learn to let go of the things that hold us back and continually keep our eyes focused on You – pressing onward and moving ahead to the heavenly prize You have promised.  

Moonwalking Faith

The summer before sixth grade, Suzanne moved to town.  We could not have been any more different.  I was a shy, small town girl who had traveled out of my home state one time.  She was a spit fire, southern belle, Army brat who had traveled the world!  Though an unlikely pair, we hit it off immediately and spent every waking moment we could together that summer.  Prior to moving to small town, Missouri, Suzanne lived in Germany, and before that, Savannah, Georgia.  I learned a lot from Suzanne that summer - like how to speak German with a Georgia accent, how to dance, and how to blow a bubble with bubblegum.

I remember the first dance Suzanne taught me...the box step. With my 45 record of Kool & the Gang's, "Celebration" blaring in the background, over the course of one summer afternoon, she successfully taught me how to move my two left feet in an organized and rhythmic fashion.  Our next dance lesson didn't go as well though.  "Bust a move" and "drop it like it's hot" are words in my vocabulary, but the buck pretty much stops there.  A dancer I am not.  Suzanne, on the other hand, could merely shuffle her feet and look amazing.   Nonetheless, despite her attempts at teaching me to moonwalk, I still resembled something of Igor dragging a foot behind.  Sigh. 

In July 1969, astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin did their own moonwalk of sorts. The astronauts were aboard Apollo 11, the first spaceflight to land humans on the moon. Upon landing and taking his first lunar steps, Armstrong stated the famous words, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind". Small steps, and giant leaps? Hmm, that sounds an awful lot like my walk with Christ. Maybe, just maybe, I am a moonwalker after all? More often than not, when the Lord lays something on my heart, my first reaction is to shuffle my feet, take a few steps here and there, and repeatedly ask, "Um, are You sure, Lord? I mean, do You really want me to…?" It’s typically not until I've taken a whole lot of small steps that I take the giant leap of faith. Small steps and giant leaps…yep, that's what my moonwalking faith looks like.

This coming Saturday, I will be launching a women's ministry* in my church and community – the product of a lot of small steps, and giant leaps.  Though, I can barely contain my excitement, beneath all the enthusiasm is a girl who looks a lot like my middle school self learning to moonwalk – remember the aforementioned reference to Igor?!?  Yikes.  Thankfully, God uses those who can moonwalk like my friend, Suzanne...as well as those who can't!  God is not limited by our imperfect moonwalks of faith.  He can and will use us to accomplish great and mighty things if we are only willing to answer to His call.  Deep breath...So, here I go...in small steps and giants leaps....

Heavenly Father, I thank You for the opportunities You give us, despite our imperfections, to serve and glorify You.  Lord, I commit this new ministry and my life to You.  I pray for Your will and not my own, and I praise You and thank You for the great things You have already done, the greater things yet to come, and the greater things still to be done here….Great are You, Lord and worthy of praise!

*If you feel so inclined, I would immensely appreciate your prayers for the new ministry – "Greater".  The purpose of "Greater" is to foster a spirit and atmosphere within the church and within our communities that is conducive to growth – a spirit and atmosphere that is less of us and more of God.  1 John 4:4 says the One who is in us is greater than the one who is in the world. Therefore, the more filled we are with the Holy Spirit, the more His spirit, and not our own, will permeate and draw us together in unity.  He is greater!  Thank you for your prayers!