Enough

I am so thankful to see the beauty of spring popping up all around me! Spring is my favorite of all the seasons – when God awakens all that slumbered with new life, new breath, and His vibrant pallet of pastels and greens. Such an undeniable and glorious display of the restoration and miracles of new beginnings that only God can bring.

It’s been quite some time since I last touched base and well,…we have got some catching up to do! So, let me take just a bit to get you up to speed on all that has been happening in our little neck of the woods. I am also including a few photo snapshots of our lives over the past year.

My babies are growing up! Jack is wrapping up his first year of college. He is a double major, studying history and archaeology – two of his very favorite things. College life suits him well and we look forward to seeing him as often as his busy schedule allows. Jack recently had a great opportunity to be part of a mission trip to Piedras Negras, Mexico. He had an amazing time serving the people of that area, making wonderful memories with great friends, and growing in his relationship with Christ. Nothing bring this mama heart of mine greater joy than seeing my children walk in the Lord.  I pray continually that both of them will be mighty men of God and seek Him first in all they do.  

Joseph is living his best life. He got his driver’s license last year and is working part time at a local pizza restaurant. He loves his job and the people with whom he works. Owning his own pizza restaurant (Little Joe’s Pizza!) has been a dream of his for quite some time. This job has been a fantastic opportunity to learn and to grow his knowledge and skills in that regard.  Speaking of growing, Joe has completely surpassed me in height and towers almost a foot above me – he comes in quite handy when I can’t reach items on high shelves! Joe will be a junior in high school this fall. It is such a tremendous privilege to watch both my boys grow and fulfill God’s purpose for their lives. I am forever grateful God chose me to be their mom.

Todd has been fortunate to continue working from home – a tremendous blessing to our family in many ways.  In May, we celebrate 28 years of marriage! We plan to celebrate with a trip to our favorite respite, Pensacola Beach, Florida. Our dearest friends, Jeff and Melanie, will join us and celebrate their own marriage milestone of 25 years!

Speaking of milestones, I am still in remission! This fall will mark three years since I underwent chemotherapy for stage IV bladder cancer. Many recurrences tend to happen within the first three years following treatment. Admittedly, since my diagnosis, I have struggled to believe I might survive this cancer. Yet, as time marches on, the odds continue to increase favorably in that regard. So, for the first time in nearly three years, I am starting to dip my toes in the water and slowly wade into the idea that God might keep me here a little longer.  

I am not the person I once was and while I feel I have little to nothing to offer, God is able to use what I do have and He makes it enough. He makes ME enough, and He makes YOU enough too. He’s pretty cool like that. So, I’m just gonna wade in the baby pool with my floaties for a while, but the depth and size of the pool doesn’t matter – it’s the surrender and getting in that does. Just as God awakens and restores His creation in spring, so He is awakening and restoring me. 

Oh Lord, please don’t let me pee in this pool while I’m learning to swim again!
Help me to accept the person you have created me to be, in each and every season, and help me to let you lead as I wade deeper into the waters of this life.
For all I have, and all I am, in you alone, Lord, is more than enough.

A few months ago, I began volunteering a few hours each week at one of our local high schools – filing music and offering up support and encouragement to the band students and staff. I cannot begin to tell you the joy and worth this little venture has given me.  I have something to offer! It’s not much, but God has made it enough. He has taken the abilities I have right this very moment and is using them to fill my needs and the needs of others.  Thank you, Lord.

In chapter 9 of the Gospel of Luke, you will find one of several mentions of Jesus feeding the five thousand.  In a rather remote area, a large crowd had gathered around Jesus and the disciples.  Jesus welcomed and ministered to the crowd, but as the daylight hours began to wane, the disciples suggested Jesus send the crowd to find lodging and food for the night.

“He replied, ‘You give them something to eat.’” – Luke 9:13

The disciples only had about five loaves of bread and two fish – hardly a sufficient amount to feed themselves, much less a crowd of five thousand! Yet while the disciples focused their attention on what they didn’t have and couldn’t offer, Jesus took what they did have and made it more than enough. Jesus made the difference the disciples couldn’t make on their own, and He is still in the business of making the difference you and I can’t make on our own as well.

Offer Him what you have. JESUS IS ALWAYS ENOUGH.

“They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over.” – Luke 9:17

Wishing you and your loved one a wonderful Easter. May you know and enjoy the blessings of Christ and the fullness of life He has to offer today and always.

Much love,
Angela

Prone

It has been nearly a year since my last blog post, and what a crazy year it has been! I hope and pray you and your families have been and are currently healthy, safe, and well.  Like many of you, the past year brought about many blessings for our family, but sadly some losses as well. Several dear friends passed on and/or experienced the loss of loved ones from coronavirus and other causes. Our hearts grieve and hurt for them, especially in this time of social distance.  We long to embrace those we love and miss so, so much.  Thankfully, the four of us have stayed well and avoided getting COVID ourselves. Our hearts and prayers are also with those on the front lines caring for the sick, educating our children, protecting our country, etc. Thank you! We appreciate you tremendously.

Last spring when COVID-19 began spreading in our area, Todd received permission to work from home. He continues to do so, and what a blessing that has been. I sure do love having Todd home. The gift of this extra time with him is priceless. We are of course, truly thankful to have his income as well, particularly with so many families facing financial hardships and job losses right now.  Our boys have been home quite a bit also, and likewise it is such a wonderful gift to be able to spend more time with them too.  Depending on the number of COVID cases in our community, the boys fluctuate between in person and virtual learning.  Our oldest, Jack, is a senior in high school and our youngest, Joseph, is a freshman.  It is crazy to think that in a few months we will have a child in college! Speaking of college, Jack has decided to attend the University of Missouri. My mama heart is happy.  The University is not far from home, which means I can easily stalk er…, visit him often (would daily visits be too much? Asking for a friend.).  In addition to Jack heading to college, Joseph will turn 16 this year. Mercy.

While the boys have been busy growing up, we have also added another member
to our family! Last June, we added a GIRL to our brood. Woohoo! Go estrogen! We need more girls in this house full of boys! Penny Sunshine, our miniature Goldendoodle has brought so much fun and love to our lives.  Now, we cannot imagine life without our Penny! She has truly been a wonderful addition to our family and good therapy for all of us. We love her so.

Well, now that we have caught up on life a bit - if you are a regular reader of my blogs, you know I enjoy incorporating my faith into my posts.  The sharing of my faith in Christ is really the reason I write, and I am so incredibly thankful you opt to read my ramblings. Lord knows they are full of grammatical errors and typos, but I pray you see past them and that the words and experiences I share encourage you, inspire you, give you hope, and most importantly point the way to Christ. So…that said, for many weeks I have had the old, beloved hymn, “Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing” stuck in my head.  A man named, Robert Robinson, wrote this song in 1758! It amazes me the age of many of the hymns we still sing today!  I find the lyrics of these old masterpieces still so very applicable though.  Mr. Robinson, this guy…he was a bit of an ornery one. As a teen, he took to gang life and drinking. Fortunately, he turned from his ways after attending an evangelistic meeting.  The words spoken by the preacher at the meeting struck Robinson, and some years later he devoted his life to the Lord.  Robinson later pastored at churches himself, and he penned the words to this hymn as a prayer while preparing to give a sermon for an upcoming Sunday service. The last verse of the hymn stands out to me and so, I want to share some thoughts with it in mind. If you are not familiar with the song, there are several covers of it easily found on YouTube.  Check them out.  Here is the lyrics to the last verse:

“Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee. 

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love; 

Here’s my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above.” 

Here’s what I think (in layman’s terms) what Robinson was likely praying and writing… “Lord, let your goodness be bound like shackles on my heart. I love you, but I know I am prone or likely to wander from you, and I do not want to do that. So, please God, please take my heart and hold tightly to me so that I won’t wander and so I can spend eternity in Your courts and in Your presence.” Now, I do not know about you, but I do know that prayer, or something very similar to it, is one I often pray myself.  We all struggle with skeletons in our closets, demons of bad decisions, and sin in our lives.  And, we are all prone to take ours eyes off Christ and wander from Him. Robinson struggled with the demons of his past, but he knew the safety and security of God. He knew the promise of eternal life, free of struggle, pain, and sin. The promise of a life spent in the courts of heaven and in the presence of God.  So, he prayed. God, hold on to me. Put shackles on my heart and bind yourself to me, because I am prone, Lord. I am prone to wander. But, You can save me. You can seal me. So, here’s my heart. It’s all yours. Take it. Seal it. I don’t want to me, without You.

It’s no secret there’s a lot of unrest in our nation…in our world.  Between politics, a pandemic, etc., it is disheartening, scary and unsettling. Nevertheless, God promises security and peace if we turn our hearts and lives over to Him. He says in His word, if we will humble ourselves before Him, seek Him, pray to Him and turn from our wandering ways, He will hear our prayers, forgive us, and heal our land. (2 Chronicles 7:14).

God take my heart. Seal it. I’m prone to wander. Forgive me. Turn me from my wandering ways, and heal our land. May my life and my eyes be fixed on You. I pray this in Your mighty, holy name, Lord, Jesus. Amen.

If you would like to chat further about turning your heart to the Lord, I would be glad to talk with you about doing so. I’d also be honored to pray for you if you have any requests you would like to share. Feel free to message me through the Slickery Road page on Facebook, by commenting on this post, or through the email address listed on this website.

One final thing before I close out this post…a health update and prayer request of my own.  Several years ago, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune liver disease. A recent CT scan of my liver indicated the disease has likely progressed to cirrhosis. On Wednesday, I will have a liver biopsy to stage how far along the cirrhosis is. Additionally, cirrhosis increases one’s risk for liver cancer, so my physician will also be looking for any cancer in my liver as well when he does the biopsy on Wednesday. Further, I also have a PET scan coming up next week. The PET scan is for monitoring my bladder cancer – which, thank God, has been in remission since undergoing chemotherapy two years ago! For those curious, the liver condition is completely unrelated to my bladder cancer. Your prayers are much appreciated for the outcome of these upcoming appointments. I know God works all things for the good of those who love Him. So, no matter what may come, God is still good and I pray you see Him and His goodness in me. Much love, my friends. - Angela

Piece By Peace

Hello friends!  Since it has been several months since my last post, let me quickly catch you up to speed on how things are going.  I had another PET scan this week, and there was no sign of cancer growth on the scan!  I have been in remission for over a year!  Is that awesome or what?!?  After my scan, Todd and I visited with my oncologist.  He shared information about current research in bladder cancer treatment. It was interesting to hear what lurks on the horizon with regard to improving survival rates for this type and stage of cancer. While the information was somewhat above our scope of understanding, our biggest take away from the conversation was further hope.  The research involves genetic mutations and is still in the clinical trials phrase.  We look forward to updates on this research as they become available!  For now, the oncologist encouraged me to take care of myself and live a normal life (um, did I mention this was our first visit with him, and he has yet to learn how much of a weirdo I am?).  So, here’s to being “normal” and continuing to enjoy life in remission!

While remission has me feeling better physically, I am also incredibly proud of the progress I have made mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  For the better part of 2019, I fought a great deal of depression and anxiety.  However, little by little, my body, mind and spirit are being restored.  I have been able to engage more socially, started singing at church again, and joined a weight loss program in hopes of shedding the weight I have put on. I still have to rest quite often but, set small daily and weekly goals and am thankful to see myself capable and able to accomplish them. Todd and the boys are doing well too. Jack is gearing up for golf season at school, and Joseph has been busy with school band and making his delicious homemade pizzas. We are also looking forward to spring and hope to do some traveling during the boys’ spring break.  I so enjoy being a stay at home mom and wife.  It makes my heart happy to devote my full attention to my family. There are still challenging days for us, of course, but we will take whatever triumphs, big or small, come our way! Sharing these struggles and strides with you is helpful and I so appreciate your encouragement and prayers for me and my family.  I hope in sharing I can be an encouragement to you also.

If I had to describe or give title to the progress I have made, “Piece by Peace” seems fitting. The restoration I have been going through has occurred and is occurring piece by piece.  One step at a time.  Little by little.  Made possible because of my faith, trust and peace in Christ Jesus.  I have been thinking a lot about the word, “peace”.  What does it mean?  How does it feel?  What does it look like?  Here is what I have come up so far…to me, peace means, feels, and looks like:

Rest. Lack of chaos. Slow breaths. Stillness. Calm. Serenity. Security. Healing. Order. Freedom.

 

In the New Testament book of Philippians, the apostle, Paul, wrote,

“Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.” – Philippians 4:4-9 (NLT)

Though Paul wrote this to the Christians in Philippi, the same message is applicable to our lives today. Whatever circumstances we face, we can still have peace. The peace that comes through faith in Christ is a peace like no other.  It is a peace that fills our minds even when we don’t know the answers to all our questions.  A peace that comes even when we don’t know what the road ahead looks like.  A peace so amazing it is beyond our comprehension. Man, I am thankful to have that kind of peace.  I cannot begin to imagine life without it. 

Rest. Lack of chaos. Slow breaths. Stillness. Calm. Serenity. Security. Healing. Order. Freedom.

God provides it all.

Piece by peace. 

I Am

We enjoyed a wonderful summer of good health, good times, and good memories. While I miss my work family and the joy and worth I received from my job, it has been a wonderful blessing to be a stay at home wife and mother. I know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, and I am so grateful for this time with Todd and the boys while my cancer remains in remission. Being home has also allowed me to take better care of myself, which has been helpful for all four of us. We recently found out that I am approved for both long-term disability and Social Security disability. The provisions from those programs will certainly help keep us afloat financially as we walk through this cancer journey, and we are relieved to know I can continue to stay home and focus my attention on my health and my family.

The boys started back to school a few weeks ago. Joseph is an 8th grader and Jack is a junior. I miss their presence and activity in our home during the school day. I am a little lonely without them, yet I am still not up to much socialization with others. So, most days I stay home and fill my time with reading, Bible study, cooking, playing the piano, and catching up on movies and such. I’ve been trying to establish a routine that keeps my mind and body busy. Having too much down time is not always a good thing. Lately, I have been wrestling with depression, anxiety, and my identity. The person staring back in the mirror looks like a stranger, and sometimes thinks and acts like one too. Her hair is shorter. Her body is heavier. Her ears no longer hear well, and her mind is not as sharp as it once was. She used to be confident, employed and active. Now, she is insecure, sleeps a lot more and stays home. I don’t know this person, and quite honestly, most days I don’t even like her all that much. Bring back the ol’ girl that used to live in this house, I say! She had a purpose…and identity. But, this new girl…sigh.

A sweet friend of mine reminded me that each of us is constantly evolving. Her words comforted my weary heart and mind. I am not alone. Change is an inevitable part of everyone’s life, and so we all, at times find ourselves learning to adapt to new roles, new…identities. And, I think we can all agree that sometimes change is hard.

It doesn’t necessarily take a cancer diagnosis to make one struggle with their identity. Perhaps you are struggling to find yourself as the result of moving to a new town, starting a new school or job, divorce, losing a parent, child, partner, or job, etc. We all have a longing to be known and to be accepted. Yet, when we are struggling to know our own selves, how on earth can we to expect others to know us too?

Whatever circumstances you are facing in your life right now, if you find yourself struggling, like me, to figure out your identity and to love yourself for who you are – I am praying for you. I am praying for us. Life is hard.

This morning, I read and was encouraged by the following:

“But, our burdens can make us stronger and develop qualities in us that will prepare us for the future. We cannot be overcomers without troubles to overcome. Be true to God in the hard times because even the worst situations can make us better people.”

As I’m learning to adapt and accept my new self, I am thankful for a God who never changes, and who loves me unconditionally. Furthermore, He defines me. I can know who I am because I know who He is. You can know who you are in Him too.

Every time I share with you here, I do so in hopes of sharing my faith with you. In all I say and do I want to point the way to Christ. My life is certainly not perfect, but I pray my words are encouraging. Please keep lifting up me and my sweet family. We walk by faith along this slickery road of life. While I’m walking, I am going to keep reminding myself of who I am and will ALWAYS BE.

I am a child of God. I am chosen. I am loved. I am forgiven.
I am God’s workmanship and created in His image.
I am wonderfully made.

PS). I am putting together a playlist of songs to encourage myself and remind me who I am. I’d love your input on what songs encourage you and/or you feel I should include. They can be songs of any genre. My go to songs right now are: “Who You Say I am” by Hillsong Worship, “You Say” by Lauren Daigle and “Rise Up” by Andra Day.

In Between

Shortly after my last blog, I had a breakdown. The stress and toll of cancer and treatment caught up with me. In mid-January, I reached a point where I could no longer deal with the stress on my own and confided in some wonderful medical providers to help. I have wanted to tell you this for a while, but struggled (and still struggle) to find the words. It is difficult and overwhelming to admit, to share about it, and to understand – much less try to explain. The breakdown came with a lot of self-shame, guilt and fear. On the opposite end of the spectrum, it came with a lot of faith, hope and love as well. Please bear with me. It is not easy to be so transparent. However, it is real and it is honest. Cancer is hard. Chemo is ugly. And, I am not the person I used to be.

Daily I strain to overcome the limits and damage cancer and chemo has placed on my body and mind, yet grant myself grace to accept those same limits and rest. It is an awkward balance. Every day is different. There are some wonderful highs and some very dark and sad lows. Some days I am able to be around other people and carry on an actual conversation. Other days, I can barely go to the store for a loaf of bread without a tremendous amount of anxiety or a panic attack. Some days I have the energy to do laundry, or drive across town. Other days, I have to take prescription medicine just to stay awake or function. Most days, however, I am somewhere in between the two extremes and learning to navigate and love myself along the way. Peanut butter cups seem to help. What? I have not lost my sense of humor, folks! And, I certainly have not lost my love of peanut butter cups!

Many of you have checked in, asked how I am doing, invited me to lunch, etc. I appreciate your love, friendship and encouragement immensely. I wish I had concrete answers to give. It is challenging to find the words to answer even the simplest of questions at times. And, in those times, I get incredibly anxious and overwhelmed. Please do not let this detour you from reaching out. You may not hear back from me right away, but know that I am so grateful for your thoughtfulness and I will respond or get together as I am able. As a side bar, I want to especially thank my Sunday school class for the prayers, uplifting cards and messages. I miss and love each of you so and look forward to returning to church when I am able. Social interaction is such a hard struggle for me. This is unfamiliar territory and I hope my ability to function in that regard will improve. I have been forcing myself, little by little, to get out and about and pray these baby steps will lead to greater strides in the near future. I am also seeing a counselor to discuss the stress and struggles. She is wonderful and I am thankful our paths have crossed.

My last PET scan was in April. Thankfully, the scan did not indicate any cancer growth. We are rejoicing that the chemo seems to have knocked the cancer down, yet we know it is merely a matter of time until the cancer begins to grow again. We live in the in between. We celebrate and savor the moments we are in, for they are the only ones guaranteed, and, we plan life in 3 months increments between scans. My next PET scan is in July. In the meantime, Todd and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary next week, and in June, our family of four will embark on a grand road trip together! I am also looking forward to playing golf with my oldest son, Jack and making homemade pizzas with my chef and youngest son, Joseph. I am so very, very grateful for my three guys who do life with me – Todd, Jack, and Joseph. I thank God for giving us the gift of each other. I love you with every ounce of my being.

For those unaware, in early May, I stopped working. I loved my job and particularly my work family, but as I continued to push myself to perform, the mental, emotional, and physical toll become harder to hide and my ability to complete tasks was waning. It is humbling to admit your limits and struggles. It is also scary, particularly from a financial standpoint. I could potentially lose all of my benefits, but Todd and I took this step in faith. Home is where I need to be, and we have peace in this decision. Presently, I am on family medical leave and will soon file for long-term disability and social security disability. However things turn out in the disability regard, we are praying for God‘s will to prevail, and the faith to accept whatever His plan may be. I firmly believe His will is always the best, even when/if it is not what I envisioned. He knows all of our needs and He is an ever-faithful provider. Though I would much rather have stopped working due to retirement or winning the lottery (hey, a girl can dream!) there is no denying that I have hit the jackpot in terms of being able to focus more on my husband and boys. Time with them is such a tremendous blessing and I am thankful for this opportunity in the in between to make lifelong memories and love them well.

Till next time,
Angela

Hope

Happy New Year, friends! I hope your new year is off to wonderful start. Ours certainly is! We are still reeling from the magnificent time we had in New York (details below). Additionally, I had a PET scan last week...the scan did not show any signs of cancer growth or progression! Praise the Lord! We are breathing some BIG, BIG sighs of relief. My next scan will be in early April, and every three months thereafter until the cancer is detected again. In the meantime, I am absolutely enjoying the break from treatment and getting stronger with each passing day. I still get tired easily, but I feel great. My hair is starting to grow back and I’m acclimating to having hearing aids. Some of you have asked if my hearing loss from chemotherapy is permanent…yes, unfortunately so. I can still hear though (even if it's not well), and for that I’m truly thankful! While I have significant general hearing loss, I also have a loss in clarity of sounds. As a result, much of what I hear sounds very distorted. As aggravating as that can be, it does make for some interesting conversations and lots of laughs. So, be warned, friends…if you have a conversation with me on the phone or in person, I may just put words in your mouth! HA!

Speaking of words..in addition to new year’s resolutions, it's come to my attention that at the beginning of a new year some folks like to choose a word to focus on for the year. I’ve pondered what my word should be. So many words seem appropriate, but one stands above the rest. Hope. So much has changed over the past few months that some days I don't know if I'm coming or going. Yet in the midst of all the instability and uncertainty there is something that has not changed...hope. I have hope. Beyond that, who knows? I mean, life can change in an instant (for reals!)…for any one of us. We expect to pull out of our driveway each morning and head down the road to another mundane, routine day…but, sometimes, the road gets slickery and we find ourselves slipping and sliding down a path we never intended to travel. And, heck, perhaps never even saw coming. No matter what road we’re on though – there is hope - an unwavering, firm and secure anchor for our soul. The light at the end of the tunnel. Not dependent upon situations or circumstances, hope reminds us better days are coming and that they will come! For me, hope is faith. It’s love. It’s grace. It’s mercy. Hope is Jesus. He is the reason I can keep my head above water. He is my peace…the provider of my strength, and my joy. He, my hope, does not disappoint, and in Him I choose to dwell. I will not dwell in the fear of my diagnosis or of what may come. The ground is too shaky there, and it's awfully hard to stand on shaky ground. Hope...that's my focus. Hope steadies my stance. It's my word for the year, and Jesus, my hope, is my word and focus for life.

"In Christ Alone" - Lyrics by Stuart Townsend and Keith Getty
In Christ alone, my hope is found.
He is my light, my strength, my song.
This Cornerstone, this Solid Ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

As I mentioned above, we had a magnificent time in the Big Apple! We were able to visit NY for a few days right before Christmas and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. In addition to the Stella’s Wish Foundation, many additional people came together to bless our family and offset the costs of the trip. We are so very humbled and grateful for the kindness bestowed upon us. The Christmas lights and decorations in New York were simply beautiful! I loved seeing Times Square, Central Park, Rockefeller Center (and the gorgeous and HUGE tree there!), the Plaza Hotel, the Statue of Liberty, the 9/11 Memorial and Museum, a Broadway show (School of Rock), and so many of the other sites I’d only prior witnessed on TV, in movies, or online. We feasted on pizza, hotdogs, and cheesecake, of course, and soaked up every bit of the sights, sounds and tastes of the city as possible! More important than the trip itself though was the gift of time with one another. That was the greatest and most wonderful gift of all. I cherish the moments, now more so than ever, that I am able to spend with Todd and our boys. So, THANK YOU for an amazing trip filled with priceless, lifelong memories and time with my family. Below is just a few of the photos from our awesome trip. 

May your new year be filled with all the joys, blessings and peace that Hope brings!
Much love to each of you - Angela

“And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” -Romans 5:5

The Best

It was springtime in Missouri, nearly Easter as a matter of fact, when Todd and I went on our first date some twenty seven years ago.  We saw the movie, Home Alone.   Though the movie had come out months prior it took a while for it to reach our theater in small town Missouri.  We found it quite amusing to watch a recently released Christmas movie at Easter, yet the timing was perfect...the best, actually.  It was a moment made just for us - the start of our beautiful relationship, and a special memory we'll always cherish. 

I’d love to tell you I am patient in all things and with all people, but there would probably be a be lump of coal in my stocking if I did!  What I can honestly tell you though is this –God specializes in timing – even if it means seeing a Christmas movie at Easter.  His plan for our lives is always perfect, always best, and always provides exactly what we need right on time...every time. 

While Home Alone holds a special place in my heart and Todd’s, it also holds a special place in the hearts of our two boys as well.   Every year the four of us watch the Home Alone movies together while putting up our Christmas tree.  I hope the boys continue that tradition years from now when they put up their Christmas trees with their own children; and I pray they'll fondly look back on these times we've shared and remember how much they were and are loved. I treasure my opportunities to connect and make memories with my family; even more so now - as the boys get older and as we face my cancer diagnosis.  Life goes by quick and time spent with my husband and our boys is the best, most precious gift ever.

Recently, I submitted a wish to the Stella’s Wish Foundation, a foundation which grants wishes to adults with stage IV cancers.  For nearly a month I wrestled over whether or not to submit a wish.  I wondered if it would be selfish. Afterall, our family is certainly not the only family in the world dealing with the dark cloud of cancer, and so many, many others are far worse off than us.  Submitting a wish also meant facing the reality that I meet the requirements to even do so, and that, quite frankly, is a hard reality to stare in the eye.  But, I knew what I wanted, and I also knew I wasn’t going to be able to make it happen on my own.  I desperately wanted to give my family the best Christmas ever.  So, I prayed, "God give me what is best... whatever that may be", and I submitted the wish. 

The foundation receives 60 to 100 wishes every month.  I am no more deserving than anyone else to have my wish granted. I am also keenly aware that just because we want something that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the best or right thing for our lives at that time.  I’ve learned that wanting the best thing in my life and the life of my family means I’m praying, trusting and asking God for that best thing.  There was no guarantee my wish would be chosen and I was okay with that.  Again, my desire was for our family to receive the best thing – even if it was no thing at all.  

The wish… New York City at Christmas time. We’ve never been to New York, but thanks to Home Alone 2 seeing the city at Christmas is something we have long wanted.  The movie, set in New York City, has many scenes depicting the grandeur and magic of the Christmas decorations which adorn the area.  Further, prior to my diagnosis I made a promise to my boys that I would take them to NYC before they graduate high school.  We are so fortunate in our country to have many memorials and monuments which provide us the opportunity to pay homage to those who’ve gone before us and serve as reminders to pause and appreciate the freedoms we enjoy in our great nation.  It has always been important to me to make sure my children see some of these important and reverent sites and to teach them to respect the men and women associated with those sacrifices and freedoms.  New York City is among the cities having many such memorials and monuments. 

Early last week, I got a call from Stella’s Foundation.  We will be leaving for New York soon.  My heart is humbled and full of gratitude. Thank you, Lord.  It will be the best trip ever. 

**Many thanks to the Stella's Wish Foundation for honoring my wish.  You can read more about the foundation and Mrs. Stella by clicking the link.  We are grateful for Mrs. Stella's legacy and the difference she and the foundation continue to make in the lives of many families such as ours.  

Balance

Last week we completed round 5 of 6 rounds of chemo.  The further we get into the treatment, the harder it becomes.  Chemo has a cumulative effect, so each round builds on the previous one and the side effects often become stronger and more frequent.  We’ve certainly noticed.  My stamina has decreased significantly and my stomach pain has increased.  I’ve been spending a lot of time sleeping and taking more days off of work to rest.  Finding balance has been tough, but we are hanging in there, and reminding ourselves to take one day at a time.  It’s so easy to get discouraged through this journey, and admittedly, there are days that I truly just want to stay in bed and cry.  I know that’s a normal response, but not one of which I’m particularly fond.  I suppose I thought I would breeze right through chemo and it would only affect me as much as I allowed.  Boy, was I wrong!  Daily I am reminded it’s not my own strength that will get me through this, but Christ’s strength in me.  Some days I do a better job leaning into His strength than others though.  I pray my witness and testimony continue to shine through – even on the hard days. 

We are so very appreciative of all your prayers and encouragement, meal deliveries, cards, hugs and thoughtfulness to our family.  It means a great deal to the four of us and we are incredibly blessed with so many caring, kind friends and family.  Next week I will complete my final round of chemo.  It will be a bittersweet ending.  The fatigue and stomach pain will eventually fade and my hair will start to grow back. Some of the side effects won’t go away, however.  Recently, we learned that the chemo has caused severe hearing loss in both of my ears, and I’ll be fitted for hearing aids soon.  Thankfully, I haven’t lost all my hearing, nonetheless, the hearing loss is a hard pill to swallow and another new normal to which we must adjust.  Sometimes, learning to balance involves a whole lot of wobbling until our gait is steady again.  And, right now, I feel like a wobbly, hot mess.   

We also know that the chemo has been effective in shrinking the tumors and slowing the growth of the cancer.  What a blessing!  When I finish my 6th round, chemo will no longer part of our treatment plan and the cancer will eventually start to grow again.  When that will happen is anyone’s guess, but we are encouraged that about 40% of patients tend to go one to two years without growth and the need for additional treatment.  We pray that is the case for me, plus some!  When the cancer does grow again, however, immunotherapy will likely be our next step and then ultimately clinical trials.  There is strong likelihood the cancer will be what takes my life, but we also know that none of us are promised tomorrow.  I am so thankful for my faith and the confidence I have in knowing that when my time on earth is through, whenever and however that may be, I’ll be rejoicing in Heaven.  And, I guarantee there’s balance there! 

As I close out this update, I would ask that you continue to remember us in prayer.  Specifically, I ask that you lift us up as we contemplate important decisions for our future.  Many patients with stage IV bladder cancer file for disability.  We’ve started some difficult conversations in this regard and for now are still gathering facts.  The timing of when to file is weighing heavy on our minds and shoulders.  Please pray that we would be wise and at peace with our decision. 

I have the following verse written on a note card by my Bible.  Every morning I look at it and remind myself…

Be joyful in hope. Patient in affliction. Patient in prayer. – Romans 12:12

Balance. 

Waves

The Florida beaches along the Gulf of Mexico are one some of my most favorite places to visit!  The soft, sugar white sand and turquoise water.  The lullaby of the tides that eases weary souls and minds to stillness and rest.  The breathtaking sunrises and sunsets.  Serenity now! I love every. single. bit of it. 

Just a few weeks ago, my family took a trip to one of those beautiful beaches. What a blessing it was to spend moments together making priceless memories.  At the time, we were waiting in the wings for news of whether or not I had cancer.  Having already received the results of some of my scans, we knew the possibility of cancer was a very real one.  But, having gone through cancer before, we are/were also all too familiar with riding the waves of survivorship.  Sometimes, there are scary test and scan results that turn out to be nothing at all.  We've learned it's imperative to find balance while riding the waves, and that balance requires a steady footing. Sometimes that is much easier said than done, but regardless, without it, we find ourselves overwhelmed by the waters. 

One morning during our vacation, we got up early to take family photos on the beach.  Thanks to my sweet husband, who also served as our photographer, we were blessed with many great photos.  One of those photos, however, speaks to my heart the most.  It’s a photo of me with my boys gazing out at the vast waters before us. 

Like the stillness of the ocean in the photo that morning, sometimes the waters in our lives is calm. Other times, as we all know, it’s full of many unexpected waves…some waves will be breathtaking and wonderful and some will hit your heart so hard you don’t know if it will ever be able to beat again.  But, for every wave that crashes, my faith in Christ will stand.  He steadies my footing.  He calms the waves.

Who is like you, Lord God Almighty? 

You, Lord, are mighty, and your faithfulness surrounds you.

You rule over the surging sea; when its waves mount up, you still them.- Psalm 89:8-9

This past Monday I received my first chemotherapy treatment. I am feeling well, just riding a few waves of nausea and fatigue.  But, God’s got this.  And, He’s got me.  And, for whatever waves you’re facing, He’s got you too. 

I’ll close with the lyrics from the song, “Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)” as performed by Hillsong United.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

(Chorus)
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

(Chorus)

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

(Chorus)

A New Chapter...

Confession: I am somewhat technologically challenged!  I had hoped to upload a video here to the blog page, but it appears the file it too large to do so.  So...if you feel so inclined, I would love for you to visit the Facebook page for the blog and watch the video there. 

Our family is embarking on a new chapter and we would so love for you to continue walking The Slickery Road of life with us.  

Much love to all of you,

Angela

Thanksgiving, Stretchy Pants, and Jars of Clay

I will enter His gates with thanksgiving in my heart.  I will enter His courts with praise.  I will say this is the day that the Lord has made.  I will rejoice for He has made me glad.

It is the day after Thanksgiving, and my family of four is slowly rising this morning, one by one, from our Thanksgiving slumber.  Our bellies and hearts still full from the copious amounts of food and love we feasted upon yesterday.  Thank you, Jesus for family, friends, pumpkin pie and whipped cream…but, mostly Lord, thank you for stretchy pants.  Amen?  Amen. 

“There is always, always, always something to be thankful for”.  I placed a sign with that phrase on my dining room wall a few years back.  It serves as a daily reminder to me (and I need that reminder) that thanksgiving is so much more than a holiday.  It’s a place to enter and abide - a place where hearts are stretched and filled with life, goodness, grace, abundance, and joy.  It’s totally our choice to binge and reside in that place of thanksgiving though.  And, it’s not always easy to do so, especially when life is full of circumstances beyond our control.  The circumstances themselves, hard as they may or may not be, are not nearly as important as what we opt to do with them.

When someone suggests you’re sick it is easy to dwell in that place.  And, though it’s of utmost importance we take care of ourselves, it’s also important we realize sickness does not have to become our new address.  We have the power within us to overcome that frame of mind. The more focus we place on being ill, the more we begin to believe that’s all we are.  “I can’t do this or I’m not capable of that because….” It takes determination, balance, and a thankful heart to stay out of that pit.  Sickness doesn’t define you no more than it defines me.  Jesus does.  I read this profound statement the other day:

“Though we may think we are at the end of our rope, we are never at the end of our hope!”   

Praise God He is our hope!  I am thankful.  The past six months have no doubt been wearisome and many times I’ve felt at the end of my rope.  There have been moments my face has been so hot from tears, stress, and anxiety that I wanted to stick my head in the freezer – thinking the cold air would somehow manage to keep me from spontaneous combustion.  I have been hard pressed, crushed, perplexed, struck down…but, I’ve not been abandoned.  I’ve not been destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:7-9).  God’s power is alive and well in me and because of Him I can keep showing up…facing each day with a thankful heart. I may feel at the end of my rope, but I’ve never been at the end of my hope. 

We’ve ruled out many things, but we’re still searching for a cause of my health concerns and symptoms. Tuesday I will undergo a kidney biopsy.  My physicians now considering lupus nephritis as a potential culprit.  Your continued prayers are much appreciated.  I don’t want to go through the biopsy.  Sitting at home in my stretchy pants and eating pumpkin pie sounds like a much more fun and exciting way to spend the day.  But this, this is the circumstance I am in.  And, the circumstance itself is not nearly as important as what I opt to do with it. 

I’ve been reading lately the book of 2 Corinthians.  It is chock-full of reassuring, comforting, God breathed words spoken and gifted to us through the Apostle Paul.  Paul penned the heartfelt words of 2 Corinthians around the time period of A.D. 55-57.  It blows my mind that something written that long ago is still completely applicable and appropriate for today.  God is good.  He always knows just what we need at the exact time we need it…even if it’s more than a thousand years later.  He’s pretty awesome like that. 

The focus of Paul’s message was Christ, not himself.  He wanted others to see Christ’s work in him, and he fully acknowledged that his abilities, his strength, and his accomplishments were not the result of anything he himself could do, but rather what Christ was doing in and through him.  Preach.  In 2 Corinthians chapter 4 Paul writes that those who love the Lord are like jars of clay – frail and fallible.  Yet, despite that frailty, they are jars filled with the priceless treasure of Christ’s power dwelling in them.

You guys - I am a jar of clay, frail a fallible, but God is alive and well, and He is at work in and through me.  What an honor and privilege that is! Sometimes I just need that reminder – a kick in the old stretchy pants, so to speak.

If there is but one thing you take away from reading this blog, I pray it is this – God’s saving, all consuming, merciful, powerful grace.  He is my hope.  My strength.  My power.  My salvation and my song. 

It is because of the strength I find in Him I can even remotely begin to have a heart of thanksgiving.  A heart that overflows for His glory (2 Corinthians 4:15).  Because of Him, in the midst of unmet expectations and unanswered prayers – there is appreciation.  On those days when my chin quivers and my eyes fill up with tears – there is gratitude.  Because, there is always, always, always something to be thankful for. 

Hurt, anger, frustration, resentment, bitterness…the list goes on – these are all totally normal emotions or feelings, and believe you, me – I experience them.  I don’t necessarily know how to avoid them. But, I am learning not to reside in them.  And, that my friends makes all the difference in the world.  Those feelings strangle and choke when I feast upon and dwell in them.  And, you know what?  It’s difficult to breathe, much less move from that dwelling place when you’re suffocating. Plus, I’ve already mentioned I’m partial to stretchy pants, pumpkin pie, and breathing.  So…

I will choose to enter His gates with thanksgiving in my heart.  I will choose to enter His courts with praise.  I will choose to say this is the day that the Lord has made. And, I will choose to rejoice for He has made me glad. 

Learning to Lean

Thank you for praying for me and my dear family over the past few months.  Shortly after my last blog post, I underwent surgery to remove and biopsy a suspicious area in my bladder. I am overjoyed, however, to tell you that during the procedure, the area in question was nowhere to be found!  There was literally nothing, NOTHING to be removed!  Permission granted to dance happily amongst yourselves.  I may or may not have danced a jig myself.  (No, I’m not a good dancer.  But, hey, Jesus doesn’t judge my lack of dancing skills, so let's move on shall we?)

I will be seeing a kidney specialist in a couple of weeks to determine whether kidney disease is the culprit of these ongoing health concerns.  The symptoms that started five months ago are still very much present.  So, while we are rejoicing over the absence of a cancer diagnosis, we continue to wait with anticipation for answers.  Each day I’m learning to lean more and more on the grace and goodness of the Lord...trusting in His timing and His plans.  Desperately trying not to run ahead and control things myself.  I know His ways are better than my own.  And, because of that I’m so very thankful that He loves me despite myself and despite my failures in leaning on Him as often as I should.  More of Him, less of me.  I’m learning to lean.

This learning to lean thing is hard.  It’s truly a daily decision...sometimes it’s a minute by minute, or even second by second decision.  We, as a society, are so accustomed to instant gratification that any amount of waiting or not getting exactly what we want can often lead to tantrums of toddler like proportions.  Bless.  Trust me when I say I could easily be mistaken for Veruca Salt’s understudy in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  And, she was a bad egg, my friends (Check it out here).  Thank God He doesn’t always give us what we want, but He is oh so faithful to meet our every need.  He saves us over and over and over again; steadying our stride and reminding us to lean.  For goodness sake, He’s the creator of the universe.  So, um, He's perfectly capable of handling the hot mess we are, no? 

From my study Bible, in the introduction to the book of Proverbs, the commentators write:
 

“Knowledge is good, but a vast difference stands between ‘knowledge’ (having the facts) and ‘wisdom’ (applying those facts to life).  We may amass knowledge, but without wisdom our knowledge is useless.  We must learn to live out what we know.” 

Mercy. That gets me right in the feelers.  We can study, and even memorize the entire Bible.  We can be Bible scholars (and heaven knows there are many scholars out there who can quote the Bible from cover to cover) but, without application of what we know and learn from scripture – all we have is...knowledge. Being smart is good.  Being wise is greater.  If we aren’t applying God breathed instruction to our lives, then God's word is nothing more than a bunch of useless information floating around in our big ol’ brains.

Let me be perfectly clear here, I don’t share with you as an expert on this subject by any means.  I’m just a girl longing to serve and honor the Lord, working out her salvation each and every day.  If my sharing is helpful to you along your spiritual journey, then I am ever so thankful for the ability to share.  But, hear me when I say - Praise God His mercies are new every morning.  Cause, you guys, I need some mercy.  For reals.  I can’t even tell you how many times, in the last week alone, I have laid down my crown at the feet of Jesus just to pick it back up again seconds later. 

The Lord has proven Himself faithful time and time again in my life.  I could talk till I’m blue in the face of His providence.  I have no reason to doubt Him.  I know His plans are best, but living out what I know...sigh.  That’s where the rubber hits the road, and I’m like a teenager learning to drive.  Jesus take the wheel.  Each day I’m learning to loosen my grip on my own agendas, my friends, food (props to Reese’s peanut butter cups), music, retail therapy...you name it - whatever or whomever I’m leaning on for temporary satisfaction and security in place of the One who grants eternal satisfaction and security.  I’m learning...learning to lean on Jesus. 

Running after instant gratification is such an easy mistake...it takes us off of the perfect, individualized path God has designed just for each and every one of us. And, it’s a trap that I (and I pray you do too) know better than to fall into. The more aware we are of the traps and snares, the greater chance we have of avoiding them in the future. I liken this to my boys’ math homework. Todd and I require the boys do their homework as soon as they get home from school.  It has to be done before they can watch TV, get on the X-box, or whatever else their little hearts desire. I can’t tell you the number of times I have graded their math homework and found careless mistakes. They know most of the answers, but make errors because they aren’t focused on their work. Instead they are in a hurry to get that temporary high of playing games or watching a show. So, they rush to the finish line and end up getting off track – only to find they saved no time at all and have to go back and correct mistakes that shouldn’t have been made in the first place (at which point whining ensues on their end...and mine. Algebra gives mama a headache). 

Slow and steady wins the race, but often we are too concerned with satisfying our desires that we run ahead and end up taking a detour down the wrong path, tripping over ourselves along the way. Have I mentioned I trip a lot? In the hurdles of life, we find success, joy and peace when we lay aside our own plans and expectations—and surrender to His. His pace. His path. His answers. His plans.

The wisest man who ever lived, Solomon, wrote the book of Proverbs. He also wrote the books of Ecclesiastes, and the Song of Solomon. In these books, Solomon shares his wisdom with readers. But, Solomon wasn’t wise by his own merits or doing – his wisdom came from the Lord. Solomon literally prayed for it, and God, in His great faithfulness, granted it to him (2 Chronicles 1:7-12).

In Proverbs 1:7 (NIV), Solomon wrote, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.”  Knowledge is plentiful.  But, wisdom, wisdom is scarce.  Wisdom requires putting into practice what we know, not just taking charge and running full steam ahead.  Everyone is looking for a source of strength.  We can choose to lean on ourselves, on others, on things, or...we can lean on the everlasting arms of Jesus.

Our human understanding always limits God. Learning to lean on Jesus - to depend, rely, and rest on him is a crucial part of our spiritual journey. May we seek His wisdom as we run with endurance the race He has set before us.

 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.”  -Proverbs 3:5, 6 (NIV)

I'm learning to lean.

 

Music and Lyrics

"My favorite thing is to hear how the songs start showing up in people's lives, and help them talk to God in their everyday situations". - Matt Redman (Christian singer/songwriter)

From a very young age music has been a central part of my life.  It gives voice to my feelings, emotions, and thoughts when I can't quite find the words to express them myself.  It is also a mode through which the Lord speaks His truth and promises into my life.  And, oh how I love that He sets those truths and promises to music.  As I sing them over and over I am able to memorize the wisdom and encouragement they hold, and am reminded He is ever present and ever faithful.  Just think of all the wonderful God given lyrics that speak so dearly to our hearts...

 "On Christ the solid rock I stand all other ground is sinking sand"

"In Christ alone my hope is found, He is my light, my strength, my song"

Most recently I've been loving the song, "In the Eye of Storm" by Ryan Stevenson.  It's good, good stuff, people.  You should totally check it out. 

"In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm"

As the Lord speaks to me through song, I am reminded of this passage of scripture in the book of Zephaniah:

"For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With His love, He will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs." – Zephaniah 3:17 (NLT)

  

I"ve been filling up on His joyful songs lately (and chocolate...lots and lots of chocolate).  You know the old saying, "Garbage in, garbage out"?  My mind is prone to wander and worry, and if allowed to roam free I would quickly find myself wrecked with fear and anxiety.  God breathed, joyful songs of love are just what my weary heart, mind and soul needs! 

This past Sunday marked twelve weeks of walking this present road my family and me are on...this detour we did not anticipate we'd be taking.  Twelve mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting long weeks of walking, trusting, singing, and waiting for answers yet to come.   I'm still experiencing symptoms of a potential cancer recurrence. There's been no change in my condition...no diagnosis either.  Just waiting, waiting, and more waiting. 

I feel I can see a "Y" just ahead in the road, but when we"ll reach it is anyone"s guess.  One path takes us down the road of cancer again.  The other allows us to continue life where we left off twelve weeks back.   I struggle with wanting to run ahead to get to the "Y" faster, and slowing my pace dreading what may come. It"s been hard to juggle the thoughts and feelings we've had along this road, and I'd be lying if I told you it's been easy to keep the faith.   This limbo of desperately wanting answers yet being scared of hearing them rips at my heart.  Somedays it's all I can do to keep the tears at bay, to whisper prayers and scripture over the fears that haunt my mind, and to wait patiently on the Lord.   

One of my favorite scriptures is:

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." – Isaiah 40:31 (KJV)

A few years ago, I wrote a song around this verse.  It's titled apropos, "They That Wait". A friend of mine recorded and produced the song for me.  He also played all the instruments on the song. In retrospect maybe I should have had him sing it as well... :) If you can stomach my vocal, you can listen to the song here: https://soundcloud.com/angela-winterbower

This song, and many others have been such a source of encouragement to me lately.  I've got a playlist, and I'm not afraid to use it!!  The lyrics in the second verse of my song are as follows:

When the days get long and I feel so weak
I'll keep pressing on cause You are my strength

I will rest in Your divine delays
And choose to follow You all my days
(They That Wait, © Angela Winterbower 2011)

God breathed, joyful songs of love for the wait.  I'm doing my best to press on, rest in the divine delays, and follow God’s will.  Some days are easier than others...this waiting is hard.  And, it takes a whole lot of focus to stay...focused. 

Next week and the following week, I will return to the doctor for more scans.   We would truly appreciate your continued prayers.  And, if you have some songs you think I should add to my playlist, or perhaps some encouraging words or scripture to share, well, feel free to pass the suggestions along!  I'll just be here waiting. 

Thanks guys!  Much love.

Waiting on the World to Change

Yesterday we enjoyed the respite of our warm beds and blankets a little longer.  We hung out in our pajamas till mid-afternoon.  And, we feasted on a big, homemade breakfast about the time we’d normally be arriving home from church.  We sipped our coffee. We chewed, instead of inhaled, our food.  We spent time together in the same room for more than a few brief minutes or the length of one television show.  It was nice.  It was peaceful.  And, it was savored.     

Once the plates were cleared and bellies were full, Todd and I stood in the kitchen, held each other tightly and wept.  Ten years have passed since we’ve shared a similar embrace and those same painful tears.  

“We should probably use today to prepare for what may come.  We know from experience, if we get bad news, we’ll have to make some decisions quickly and things will move at a rapid pace. 
So, while we still have a bit of control, let’s get ourselves ready just in case”. 

Todd agreed and suggested that we fill the boys in as well.  Until that point we had been relatively quiet about the whole thing.  Neither of us want to cause alarm, undue concern, or attention to ourselves.  We know there’s a very real possibility of what may come though.  My mom shared yesterday morning, with the ladies in the Sunday School class she and I attend, what she knew of the situation.  We knew with making the information public we would likely receive more phone calls, texts or visitors than normal, and we felt the boys should know why.   There is no easy or perfect way to tell your children this kind of news.  I thought I would be able to get the words out of my mouth with confidence and assurance.  Instead they clumsily tumbled out and the tears started up again.  We did our best to explain and reassure.  I may have cancer again.

We talked about CT scans and scopes, what may come, and what may not.  The boys were both quite young the first time I had cancer. 

My youngest, Joseph, only 9 months old then, and my oldest, Jack, just three.  I remember holding Joe in my arms and the ache in my heart as I wondered if we would ever be given the opportunity to truly know one another.  And yet now, with ten year old hands hugging my neck, he held me.  The moment didn’t pass without love from Jack as well.  I am surely blessed with some wonderful boys.  I love them and they love me.  It’s good to be loved.

The rest of our day was filled tending to chores and duties and later time together with a splurge on an amazing ice cream cake!  This week, today in fact, is my 10 year "cancerversary".  So, we celebrated.  Ten years of cancer freedom.  Ten years of time together.  Ten years of memories made.  Ten years of loving deeply and being loved.  Then, as the day drew to a close, two precious boys climbed in bed with us. None of us able to sleep.  So, we held each other tightly and we prayerfully surrendered to the Lord our lives and this circumstance we’re facing.  We know our world may change, but we also know we serve a God who does not. No matter what, God. Is. Good.  

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. - Hebrews 13:8 (NIV)

In a changing world, we trust our unchanging Lord.  He is our rock.  Our hope.  Our joy.  Our salvation.  I pray He is yours as well.  

Our family would so appreciate your prayers as we prepare our hearts and minds for news to come.  We have not received a cancer diagnosis yet, and of course, hope and pray we do not.  We trust in God’s goodness and perfect plans for our lives though.  So for now, we hold on tightly and we wait….